Humor: Actual Statements Made in Court 2005-2007
Tuesday, Apr 08, 2008 1:56pm

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ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE IN COURT - 2005

Even though important cases involving people’s lives are decided each day in Caddo District Court, there are occasions when funny statements (sometimes not intended to be funny) are made. During my recent criminal court rotation (2005-07) I took note of some of the interesting – and sometimes very funny – statements:

1. Bailiff to another Bailiff: Your judge is “off the chain”.
2. Deputy Clerk to Judge: “You need to be slower”.
3. Judge: “I’m all day every day”.
4. Defendant: “I have already violated myself in front of my parole officer”.
5. Defendant to Judge: “This is it …it’s a wrap…that means it’s over”.
6. Defendant Coleman: “Judge Crichton, thank you for being my judge...”
7. Judge: “Just another happy customer”.
8. Deputy at CCC in Records: “After the officer mesmerized the defendant, he confessed” (“Mirandized”?)
9. Judge to Defendant: “How do you sleep at night?”
10. Defendant Dawson to Judge Crichton before probation revocation, “You gotta do what you gotta do, Your Honor”.
11. Prospective Juror: “I told my wife I’d rather take a whoopin’ than come down here”.
12. Mother of defendant: “My son has romantic fever…that’s why he’s sleepy”.
13. B. Theus (inmate) to Judge: “That jail ain’t no joke”
14. Defendant C. Green: “I just had a birthday so I thought maybe the years change.”

ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE IN COURT - 2006

1. Defendant J. Phillips (DWI case): “I’m not drunk drunk but I have been drinking”
2. Judge “Unbelievable!”
3. “Brandy, Have you met Antoinette Frank?”
4. Defendant charged with theft: “I am not a bad person, I’m just addicted to stealing”.
5. Defendant L. Martin in probation hearing: “I admit I was lying but I was telling the truth, too.”
6. Juror Patricia Viser (when asked about how she felt about jury service): “I always dreamed of being in Judge Crichton’s courtroom.”
7. ADA Hall: “Why do you think the legislature enacted this law?
8. Prospective Juror D. Chiles: “To protect us from ourselves and lawyers”.
9. ADA to Judge: “You may need to ‘DECRAZIFY’ this courtroom.”
10. Judge: “…Outrageous…”
11. Judge: “Ridiculous!”
12. Defense lawyer to Trooper in DWI trial: “Have you ever had any sensitivity training?” Answer: “Not that I recall”.
13. 2nd Circuit Court of Appeal State of La. v. Jack King, No. 41,083-KA: “For the foregoing reasons, Jack King’s conviction is affirmed and his sentence is amended from 203 years to 198 years, without benefit of probation or suspension of sentence.”
14. ADA O’Callaghan: “I don’t know what’s the best part of my job – the long hours, the low pay or being accused of tampering with witnesses….wow”?
15. Dr. George Seiden: “If I had taken the drugs the defendant says he took I’d be supine”
16. Deputy Clerk to Judge: “You are so ‘off the chain’ this morning!”
17. L. Nelson (RR Motor Co.): “I live in Webster Parish….God’s Country”
18. Judge to Jury @ 12:40 p.m.: “I’m getting the impression that it’s lunchtime”
19. Defense lawyer D. Scarborough about his 3- year old murder case: “There’s been a lot of water under the bridge in 3 years”.
20. Judge: “This case has been pending for 3 years…one can get a law degree in 3 years”.
21. Defense attorney Kircus in Carnal Knowledge (50 yr. old defendant with 15 year old victim) jury trial: “What’s a guy to do????”
22. Defendant S. Hall to defense counsel and ADA: “For the 6th time, no plea!” (case was dismissed by the assistant district attorney minutes later)
23. Defense counsel Kircus in bench conference: “in this case (with this evidence)….the only chance I’ve got is to flim flam the jury”
24. Judge to defense counsel: “which defense instruction (self defense or defense of property)? Defense counsel: “Neither…I mean both…”
25. ADA Hall: “Being a DA is your section is like being in an abusive relationship”.
26. Court reporter Yoranda Said: “Judge, you really need 2 court reporters…”
27. Deputy Clerk Monique Beaver: “….and 2 clerks, too.”
28. Deputy Sheriff Cortina Dixon: “…and 2 bailiffs, also.”
29. Judge: As my Evidence Professor George Pugh once said, “There are 3 things I don’t understand: (1) the mystery of God; (2) the mystery of women; and (3) the hearsay rule”

ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE IN COURT - 2007

1. Judge: “I think I’m ready to go back on the chain”.
2. Judge: “We’re decelerating from the speed of light to glacial speed”.
3. Attorney Pete King: “I don’t like stress; stress doesn’t agree with me”
4. Defendant J. Williams: “That’s the dude who says I murc’d that MF”.
5. Random defendant on elevator: “Judge, I didn’t recognize you without your cape”.
6. Question to defendant, H. Huff: “Do you have a drug problem?” Answer: “No, but I do smoke weed every now and then”.
7. Lea Hall: “Your Honor, I suggest if Mr. Casey can declare that discovery is satisfactory in this case, we could possibly set the matter for trial June 23 with an intervening for further proceedings date on May 30 to insure that there are no speed bumps that need to be dealt with in this matter. I think that would put the case on a good track for resolution”. The Court: “On the rate this case is traveling, I don’t think you have to worry about speed bumps”.
8. Judge (12/20/07): “No more inmates, PLEASE!”
9. DA on rebuttal in F. Shepard case: (the usual squid reference, blah, blah, blah…) Fiona York: “I guess I’m a squid now?” Judge: “I wouldn’t take it personally-that saying has been around for a while.”

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